


simon and the cryptid hunters

by bokutoma



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Asexual Character, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Group Chat Elements, Hehehe, M/M, Mage Abuse and Oppression, Mage Rights, Modern Thedas, Sided with Mages, aveline is very tired, just ur typical dysfunctional found family, multiple actually, simon doesn't give a FUCK, simon punches at least three templars on any given day, yeehaw my voltron roots are showing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-07 16:09:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17963786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bokutoma/pseuds/bokutoma
Summary: simon hawke: overworked, overtired, and with a hair trigger temper.kirkwall: overcrowded, overbearing, and intolerant of just about everyoneunstoppable force, meet immovable object





	1. a good ol' sit and tit

This was the absolute last time Simon was letting anyone but Fenris pick the venue for the weekly meetup.

"The Blooming Rose?" he asked, eyeing Varric incredulously. "I thought they went out of business already."

"Don't look at me!" Varric spread his hands in a placating manner. "Talk to your new friend. I think she's a little out of her mind."

"Which one?" the elf beside Simon muttered, leaning back and crossing his arms to convey maximum disdain. "They're both batshit."

"Pot," called an approaching voice, one that Simon was glad to hear for entertainment's sake, at the very least. Anders slid across the booth and pointed at Fenris knowingly. "Isabela, in this case, is the kettle."

"Where did you even meet her?" Fenris scoffed, ignoring Anders as was his tendency.

"Dunno." He shrugged. "Anders and I end up at some very strange places when we hang out."

"Not that this isn't all very fascinating, but where are these two lady friends of yours, Hawke?" Varric cut in. It was a blessing, really, because there was tension in the air that could only signal an immediate cat fight between his two tattooed friends - best not to ask where Anders's was. "It's a good bit, getting the least horny guys in Kirkwall together for a good ol' round of sit and tit-"

"Speak for yourself." Anders sniffed.

"But I'd rather get a move on, you know? Shit to write, people to schmooze, you know the drill."

Simon did  _not,_ in fact, know the drill.

"Does Aveline not count as a lady friend?" Fenris asked curiously.

"I think that if any of us even tried to insinuate that, she might single-handedly deport us from the city."

"Ooh, that would mean I'd go back to Ferelden! Bit of a fifty-fifty situation there." Anders snagged a fried picked from an unattended basket on the table beside them. "A lot easier to piss people off when they already hate you. Maybe Hawke and I will double team some templars!"

Fenris inhaled deeply, no doubt about to make the most cutting remark he had brooded over and prepared the night before, but Simon had just about had enough of the banter, and he needed to get out of here before the waitress across the room decided to do more than stare at him.

* * *

**hawke** added  **tesquire, fencr, sigh, if she breathes, bethyboo, shadowhawke, daisy chain,** and  **she a thot** to  **i'm hungry, not horny**

 **hawke:** isabela, merrill, where are you?

 **hawke:** one of the waitresses looks like she's going to eat me

 **hawke:** also aveline

 **hawke:** you coming?

 **sigh:** Can't. Babysitting.

 **shadowhawke:** stfu beth and i are adults

 **tesquire:** Fenris has a run for his money when it comes to edge, huh

 **shadowhawke:** beths user makes her sound like a cam girl so

 **bethyboo:** does not!

 **she a thot:** that would b more action than ur getting puppy

 **she a thot:** also soz b there in a sec merrill stopped 2 pet dog

 **hawke:** carver, talk about bethy like that again and perish

 **daisy chain:** hawke, is it the sexual sort of eat or cannibalism?

 **if she breathes:** def sexual

 **if she breathes:** my girl bout to POUNCE

 **she a thot:** almost there

 **shadowhawke:** fucking gross anders

* * *

Isabela entered the Blooming Rose like she owned the place, greeting each waitress by name, with a friendly smile, and an altogether  _friendlier_ wink.

Serendipity, the one who had been shamelessly ogling him, even got a cheerful slap on the ass. Isabela had a gift for diverting attention, Simon had to admit.

She all but crashed into the booth beside Anders, who welcomed her with considerably more vigor than he usually showed anyone. Something akin to jealousy twisted in Simon's gut; he was used to Anders relying on him, used to a palm on  _his_ arm for grounding.

He was an awfully territorial man.

"And Merrill?" he asked with the sort of abrupt coarseness that he had begun to be somewhat known for.

"Kitten outside," she said, as though that was much of an explanation. Knowing Merrill, even for as short a time as he had, though...well, he supposed it was.

"So you just left her outside?" Simon knew he had a tendency to let his temper flare and a particularly severe glare he got when he looked down the sharp line of his nose, one that would put a criminal enforcer to shame, but Isabela just laughed.

"Oh, I  _like_ it when you give me that look," she purred. "You look like you're about to put me over your knee."

He stood, suddenly exhausted, and stalked toward the door. " _I'm_ going to be decent and wait with her."

"What crawled down his pants?" he heard Isabela ask.

"Life," Fenris said sagely, and Simon had to agree.

 


	2. taking asexuals to a strip club

Outside, away from the probing gaze of his friends and the odd feelings that seemed to twist in every part of him, Simon found Merrill, perched on the curb, cooing at a stray cat.

"You must be so fierce, tearing up all the mice in the alleyways," she said, the words completely at odds with her adoring look. "You look like you play with them, yes? You like to play with them before you sink your teeth in?"

Perhaps it would have been a strange thing to hear someone say, would have been cause for concern, but frankly, Anders's rare half-drunken babbling, Varric's increasingly bizarre research, and Carver's online swearing were all far more disturbing, and none of it had managed to faze him yet.

Besides, it wasn't as though he was without his own abnormal, slightly worrying quirks. To judge Merrill would have been hypocritical and rather out of character, considering the friends he had.

He crouched down beside her, elbows braced against his knees, and reached out a somewhat cautious hand toward the cat. Simon had always been more of a dog person, but he could admit that the occasionally temperamental nature of felines was something he related to.

"Oh, hello there, Hawke," Merrill said, and an unbidden rush of affection flooded him at this way she was so similar to Bethany, wholly focused in her task to the exclusion of all else. "Sorry I didn't come in with Isabela. Someone was selling bracelets, so I stopped to look at them, and then  _he_ came out of the alley, and I  _had_ to say hello."

The cat rolled over briefly, exposing the fluffiest stomach he had ever seen.

"Fair enough." He reached out further and stroked along the cat's head, surprised and rather gratified when it - he - began to purr.

"See, isn't he so friendly?" Merrill was excited beyond measure, and despite the odd foulness of his earlier mood, he couldn't bring himself to spoil it. It was an unbridled and raw thing, and, knowing how much she had been through, Simon was surprised that she still possessed it at all.

"I suppose so." He stroked another tentative finger under the cat's chin. "Anders would be all over this, though."

At that moment, his phone buzzed, and he sat back against the concrete of the sidewalk to let Merrill take over with the cat. 

* * *

_**if she breathes > hawke** _

**if she breathes:** come back in

 **if she breathes:** i don't rly mind starting w/out merrill but imy

* * *

Unbidden, a small smile rose to Simon's face, something unfamiliar to the usual scowl that tugged at his face perpetually.

* * *

_**hawke > if she breathes** _

**hawke:** don't be a baby, i'll be in in a sec

 **hawke:** also

_hawke sent (1)_ _image_

**hawke:** i think we've reached a mutual understanding, pets for modeled pictures

 **if she breathes:** PRECIOUS

 **if she breathes:** adsahfsg i'm dying

 **hawke:** pull the trigger, piglet

 **if she breathes:** have i died? gone to the fade? hawke is MEMEING and PETTING CATS?

 **if she breathes:** p sure that's what the maker's side is like

 **hawke:** overdramatic

 **hawke:** but i'm flattered nonetheless

 **if she breathes:** natch

 **if she breathes:** now come back in i want (1) basket of fried pickles b4 bela drags us somewhere unspeakable

 **hawke:** as you say

* * *

It turned out that "somewhere unspeakable" was a strip club.

A  _fucking_ strip club.

"Why?" he muttered, not to anyone in particular. He had always been a bit more of the  _lament at the world at large_ type.

Still, Isabela clapped his back and answered, saying, "Free drinks. Besides, aren't you glad the baby Hawkes aren't here?"

"Small mercies." Though his tone was harsh, he still accepted the shot she offered him, grimacing at the burn it left as it seared his throat.

"Did you work here or something?" he asked, a little louder than usual considering the throbbing bass and the low timbre of his voice.

At that, she studied him with sharp eyes, and though he hadn't meant it  _that_ way, he could see what she was thinking. Simon certainly didn't think any less of strippers - they were making a hell of a lot more money than he was - but he knew the type who did, knew that he looked like he could be one of them.

Apparently, she didn't find what she was looking for, and she relaxed, shooting him a wicked grin. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Before he could protest that  _no, he really wouldn't,_ she had barreled on with her explanation.

"No, but a few girls from the Rose work here as their second job. I run protection for them whenever a creep gets too attached, and, in exchange, I get perks."

The heavy emphasis on  _perks_ was as noticeable as her salacious grin, and Simon rolled his eyes. "Gross."

"But handy when you have friends to entertain." Isabela handed him two more drinks, then led him in the direction of the plush couch where the others sat. "Not bad to know me, is it?"

"No," he agreed, and though she seemed caught off guard, he was more surprised to realize that he meant it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @deracinatin
> 
> tumblr: @chellick // @bokutoma

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: @bokutoma // @chellick
> 
> twitter: @deracinatin


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